What comes next?

I have been meaning to update this since I last posted. I have had a million ideas of what to write about but none of them seemed good enough.  The ideas were gone before I could grab onto them and so I let them go without a fight.

 

At the beginning of the summer I was going to write about how weird it felt to be home, for good. How graduating didn’t really feel real yet and how it probably wouldn’t until school time came and I never left Amarillo. I was going to write about how I had graduated college and I still felt exactly the same. The same questions that had been plaguing me were still there…what comes next?

In the middle of the summer I was going to write a post about how all of my friends were worrying about finding a job and I didn’t have that problem yet. I was waiting to be a nanny for the summer, my go between job to get me from college to my big girl job.  I was going to write about how unemployment wasn’t so bad when you choose it. How I was able to enjoy my summer with the questions about my future only nagging a little…what comes next?

At the end of summer I was going to write a post about how much I enjoyed not having the pressures of being a grown up. I spent my days with 12 year old twin, a 6 and a 3 year old. The biggest questions that we faced were what was for lunch and if we should go to the park or the zoo? I got to act like a little kid every day and do all of the things that I won’t be able to do in the very near future, watching movies all day, staying in your pajamas, and just not having a care in the world. The question of what comes next made very few appearances during this time, because I was so tired and so wrapped up in thinking of something fun for the 5 of us to do. It was nice.

Now the end of summer has come. The girls I nanny are preparing for the beginning of school and I am sitting here still wondering what comes next.  I know what is supposed to come next. I am supposed to find a job, a job that I love and am passionate about. I am eventually supposed to start dating so that I can get married and have kids. My only problem with this scenario is what happens when what is supposed to happen doesn’t happen? I have been looking for jobs and there are none, and if there is a job it isn’t something I would love. It is a job I would have because I am supposed to have a job, and I need a job to pay back my school loans. It wouldn’t be a job that I love and am passionate about; it would just be a job. The idea of I am supposed to find a boy to fall in love with is even more far fetched than finding a job I love.  So what happens when the question of what comes next scares me so much that I can’t handle to think about it? Instead I put my headphones on and turn my Broadway Babies playlist up so loud that is drowns out the real world and I search the internet for hours for recipes to bake. Anything to push the question of what comes next as far away as possible. So what happens then?