Complete 180

Once again it has been 4 months since I last posted and since then I have meant to update my blog dozens of times. Half the time I have even planned out what I could write but something else always grabbed my attention before I got around to actually doing it. The majority of those things were Doctor Who, which I have fallen head over heels in love with. I literally can not get enough of it and I put my life on hold until I caught up with 7 seasons. I am all caught up though and I am putting my life back into motion, including this blog. Since my last blog post I have had so many life changes and the question of what comes next did a complete 180.

I AM EMPLOYED!!!! A family friend is a principal at an elementary school and had an instructional assistant position open to work with at risk kids. I very reluctantly agreed to interview for the position because even though the job didn’t sound exciting I needed the money and an excuse to wake up every morning. I got the job and it has changed my life. I love what I am doing. I spend all day surrounded by 4^th graders and even though they can get on my nerves they also give me so many reasons to smile. Watching them finally understand what we are teaching is an indescribable feeling, and I am so happy that I get to experience it. I also work at the most amazing school, everyone is so kind and make me feel so welcome, like I am part of a group. They also believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself. They have complete faith that I can do/teach whatever they need me to, and even when I am freaking out internally they give me the push to follow through on all of my tasks. They make waking up easier every morning. Since I love my job so much it has lead me to my next piece of news.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!! I honestly thought this day would never come but I did my best to keep believing. I would remind myself that God has a plan for me and I have simply not reached the point in my life where I get to know what it is. I was patient though and now I know. I was meant to be a teacher. My job has opened up my eyes to how much I love and enjoy working with elementary school aged kids. People always told me that I would make a fantastic teacher but I never believed them. I had no interest in being a teacher, so why would I? I always knew I loved kids because of babysitting but the idea of having a child’s education in my hands made me nervous and terrified me. I am still nervous about this and a little terrified but my job has shown me that I can do it. All of the teachers at school tell me on a regular basis that I am doing a great job and tell me that I am a natural teacher. Their faith in me is giving me the confidence I need to go and get my teaching certificate. Now that I have decided to be a teacher no other job possibility even comes close to making me as happy. I can imagine my life as a teacher and I am just filled with excitement and happiness. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was meant to be a teacher.

It amazes me how something as small as getting a job can change your entire life. I am no longer worrying about what comes next, instead I am looking forward to it.

**Also, lets all acknowledge the fact that my blog is 1 years old!!! In 1 year I had 23 posts, which may not seem like a lot but for me it is a huge deal…look at me go. :)

What comes next?

I have been meaning to update this since I last posted. I have had a million ideas of what to write about but none of them seemed good enough.  The ideas were gone before I could grab onto them and so I let them go without a fight.

 

At the beginning of the summer I was going to write about how weird it felt to be home, for good. How graduating didn’t really feel real yet and how it probably wouldn’t until school time came and I never left Amarillo. I was going to write about how I had graduated college and I still felt exactly the same. The same questions that had been plaguing me were still there…what comes next?

In the middle of the summer I was going to write a post about how all of my friends were worrying about finding a job and I didn’t have that problem yet. I was waiting to be a nanny for the summer, my go between job to get me from college to my big girl job.  I was going to write about how unemployment wasn’t so bad when you choose it. How I was able to enjoy my summer with the questions about my future only nagging a little…what comes next?

At the end of summer I was going to write a post about how much I enjoyed not having the pressures of being a grown up. I spent my days with 12 year old twin, a 6 and a 3 year old. The biggest questions that we faced were what was for lunch and if we should go to the park or the zoo? I got to act like a little kid every day and do all of the things that I won’t be able to do in the very near future, watching movies all day, staying in your pajamas, and just not having a care in the world. The question of what comes next made very few appearances during this time, because I was so tired and so wrapped up in thinking of something fun for the 5 of us to do. It was nice.

Now the end of summer has come. The girls I nanny are preparing for the beginning of school and I am sitting here still wondering what comes next.  I know what is supposed to come next. I am supposed to find a job, a job that I love and am passionate about. I am eventually supposed to start dating so that I can get married and have kids. My only problem with this scenario is what happens when what is supposed to happen doesn’t happen? I have been looking for jobs and there are none, and if there is a job it isn’t something I would love. It is a job I would have because I am supposed to have a job, and I need a job to pay back my school loans. It wouldn’t be a job that I love and am passionate about; it would just be a job. The idea of I am supposed to find a boy to fall in love with is even more far fetched than finding a job I love.  So what happens when the question of what comes next scares me so much that I can’t handle to think about it? Instead I put my headphones on and turn my Broadway Babies playlist up so loud that is drowns out the real world and I search the internet for hours for recipes to bake. Anything to push the question of what comes next as far away as possible. So what happens then?

Good Morning Starshine

On this day in 1968 HAIR: The American Tribal Love Rock Musical opened on Broadway at the Biltmore Theatre and would forever change the course of my life.  Of course I wouldn’t be born for 22 so it would be awhile before I realized the importance of this date.

The 2009 Tony Awards is the event that really put this transformation of my life into motion.  For as long as I can remember my mom, my sisters and I have watched The Tony Awards together and this year was no exception.  When the revival cast of HAIR took the stage I was enthralled.  Something about this performance just grabbed a hold of my heart and I was hooked.  I looked at Kellan and told her that when we went to New York in January we had to see this show.  Seven months later that statement became a reality and my life would never be the same again. 

It wasn’t until much later that I would realize how much this show had changed my life.  From the small fact that I now have a much greater appreciation for peace signs and hippies.  Or that I try, usually unsuccessfully, to be more peaceful in my own life.  To be more understanding towards people, hold less grudges, all of the good things a hippie should do.  However, old habits are hard to break and it is still a struggle to do these things. 

The biggest change though is my love of Broadway.  As seen through my yearly views of the Tony Awards with my mom and sisters, I have always loved theatre.  Anytime I get to go and see a show, especially a musical, I am one happy girl.  However, after seeing HAIR this love was increased infinitely.  It opened the door for me to have a passion, something that I care about and can focus my attention on.  Besides schoolwork and a job which can be boring and mundane.  It allowed for me to have a creative outlet and the ability to fall in love with something.

I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that made HAIR the show that changed my life.  Maybe it was the fact that it was the first show I ever saw on Broadway, a lifelong dream of mine. That I already knew some of the songs since they had become popular on their own. Or that the storyline is so powerful causing it to be the first show that truly touched my heart.  All I know is that each time I listen to the soundtrack I am transported back to the Al Hirchsfeld theatre, watching the storyline unfold for the first time, and I am overcome by pure joy.  To this day 'Let The Sunshine' is one of the only songs that can bring tears to my eyes every time I listen to it.  It is the only show that I have ever seen that caused me to cry more the second time I saw it then the first.  Partially because I was so full of joy by being able to see it again, and partially because I knew what was going to happen at the end. (I bawled like a baby for at least the last fifteen minutes of the show. Big fat, ugly tears).  Something about it simply changed my life and it means so much to me.

It is hard for me to put into words how much HAIR means to me.  I can never find the right words to say, words that accurately portray its importance to me and to my life.  This post doesn’t even come close to doing it justice, it barely scratches the surface.  I simply wanted to do something special to recognize its importance to me on its 44th anniversary.

Happy Anniversary HAIR, you changed my life.

Ugly Cry

I went into a professors office to turn in a test, which I didn’t feel confident in, and as I was about to leave he said “being mad at me isn’t going to help your cause.”  As I turned around to tell him I wasn’t mad at him I proceeded to have a meltdown.  I mean full on ugly cry, it was not attractive.  It was a combination of being tired and the stress of the day.  I calmed myself down enough to leave and go get myself a treat and I now that I have had time to think, I realize that I may not have been mad at him but I am mad at a bunch of things.  I think that if I write them down and actually think about them it will help in the process of forgiving, or at least forgetting.

• I am mad at the stupid girls who ruined my senior year.  The girls who think they are all that and everyone falls down at their feet to make them happy.  The girls who create drama out of nothing and go on with their lives like nothing happened while you pick up the pieces of yours.
• I am mad at the people who start to talk to after four years and then all of a sudden start ignoring you.
• I am mad at the so called “experts” at businesses who treat you like a child who knows nothing.  Then in the end they never fix your problem.
• I am mad at my doctor for not giving me medicine for my headaches, which I experience on an almost daily basis.  Which I am experiencing now and I am in excruciating pain.
• I am mad at the fact that I have a best friend who is a year older than me.  This means she isn’t here to help me through my shitty senior year. (Of course she does everything she can from where she is).  Did I mention she also lives at the bottom of Texas, while I live on the top?
• I am mad at the fact that one of my other best friends is moving back to New York in two short months, and I don’t know when I will see her again.
• I am mad at professors who don’t teach you anything, but expect you to become an expert of the topic and pass the test.
• I am mad that I don’t have a passion in life.  This means I have no idea what I will be doing once I graduate.
• I am mad at myself for becoming so frustrated when I know I didn’t do as well on something as I could have. 
• I am mad at myself for not having enough faith in myself. (I did great on my test!!!)
• I am mad at my body for not letting me sleep.  For taking so long to fall asleep and once I do fall asleep waking up every couple of hours.

Of course for the most part I don’t think about these things or let them get me down.  However, I think sometimes you need to just have a big ugly cry about everything before you can continue on.  Of course, it is better if you have this ugly cry in the privacy of your own home…not your professors office.

68 Days

In 68 days my life is going to change.  I am going to become a college graduate.

I remember watching all of my senior friends last year who thought that graduation was an evil word, and dreading the day they actually had to do it.  I am the complete opposite, I want time to speed up so it can get here faster.  I just want to be done with this chapter of my life, and I am beginning think that this is the way it should be.  You should be excited to graduate and go make your mark on the world.  I still don’t know what that “mark” will be, but I know I can’t make it here.  Plus part of the excitement of life is not knowing what is going to happen next but enjoying the ride.  So that is what I plan on doing.  I am going to enjoy the next 68 days in The Burrow before I worry about my after graduation plans and then I am going to enjoy being surrounded by my family as I figure out my life.

Sounds like a pretty good plan to me.