I have been meaning to update this since I last posted. I have
had a million ideas of what to write about but none of them seemed good
enough. The ideas were gone before I
could grab onto them and so I let them go without a fight.
At the beginning of the summer I was going to write about
how weird it felt to be home, for good. How graduating didn’t really feel real
yet and how it probably wouldn’t until school time came and I never left Amarillo. I was going to
write about how I had graduated college and I still felt exactly the same. The
same questions that had been plaguing me were still there…what comes next?
In the middle of the summer I was going to write a post
about how all of my friends were worrying about finding a job and I didn’t have
that problem yet. I was waiting to be a nanny for the summer, my go between job
to get me from college to my big girl job.
I was going to write about how unemployment wasn’t so bad when you
choose it. How I was able to enjoy my summer with the questions about my future
only nagging a little…what comes next?
At the end of summer I was going to write a post about how
much I enjoyed not having the pressures of being a grown up. I spent my days
with 12 year old twin, a 6 and a 3 year old. The biggest questions that we
faced were what was for lunch and if we should go to the park or the zoo? I got
to act like a little kid every day and do all of the things that I won’t be
able to do in the very near future, watching movies all day, staying in your
pajamas, and just not having a care in the world. The question of what comes
next made very few appearances during this time, because I was so tired and so
wrapped up in thinking of something fun for the 5 of us to do. It was nice.
Now the end of summer has come. The girls I nanny are
preparing for the beginning of school and I am sitting here still wondering
what comes next. I know what is supposed
to come next. I am supposed to find a job, a job that I love and am passionate
about. I am eventually supposed to start dating so that I can get married and have
kids. My only problem with this scenario is what happens when what is supposed
to happen doesn’t happen? I have been looking for jobs and there are none, and
if there is a job it isn’t something I would love. It is a job I would have
because I am supposed to have a job, and I need a job to pay back my school
loans. It wouldn’t be a job that I love and am passionate about; it would just
be a job. The idea of I am supposed to find a boy to fall in love with is even
more far fetched than finding a job I love.
So what happens when the question of what comes next scares me so much
that I can’t handle to think about it? Instead I put my headphones on and turn
my Broadway Babies playlist up so loud that is drowns out the real world and I
search the internet for hours for recipes to bake. Anything to push the
question of what comes next as far away as possible. So what happens then?
